TWHS

TWHS

That’s What He Said (or TWHS) is a section of the blog nestled under the “Laugh” portion. These quick hits are direct quotations from my dear husband. The themes of these quotes are normally pop culture-related, but sometimes they feature his funny rants or observations.

Here are some examples:


Last night, a NBA Playoffs highlight came on featuring a dunk by Blake Griffin –

Josh: “So he’s good now?”

Me: “…He’s been good for awhile.”

Josh: “Well it’s probably because he dropped that woman.”

Me, confused: “What woman?”

Josh: “The Kardashian girl? He’s probably playing so well because he broke up with her.”

Me: “Oh, honey, that wasn’t Blake Griffin. That was Kris Humphries. And let’s not even get started on who dumped who.”

Josh: “Are you sure?”

Me, sighing: “Very sure.”



Today, while shopping at Target… the cashier saw we were buying cat food and asked us about Mother’s Day, and proceeded to tell us all about how she was a “cat Mommy in the truest sense of the word” and “deserves a Mother’s Day celebration because if I could have a litter of cats I would.” When we both just looked at her, she clarified: “I would carry a litter of kittens in my stomach and be an official cat mother if I could. So I could be celebrated for Mother’s Day.” As we walked away, the following conversation took place:

Me: “Well, that was awkward.”

Josh: “You attract crazy people to you. Crazy people like talking to you. It happens all the time.”

Me: “Huh. You’re right – It DOES happen all the time.”

Josh: “The phrase ‘Takes one to know one’ comes to mind.”



Last night Josh and I went to go see a local production of The Wizard of Oz (the tickets were a birthday gift) and the following conversation took place as we settled into seats:

Josh: “So…this is the one about Dorothy right? But the Wizard of Oz is a remake of something else right?”

Me: “Uhh..no sweetie, The Wizard of Oz is original. This is not a remake.”

Josh: “I don’t remember it at all. This is going to be a whole new experience for me.”

…Josh ponders The Wizard of Oz…

oz chick flick

Josh: “The lady at the box office told me center, balcony would be great for a musical and I’m just realizing now she said ‘musical’… THIS IS A MUSICAL?!”

Factual interlude: Josh is still slightly scarred by his viewing of Les Mis. … We saw it in the theater and an hour into the movie he whispered: “So they’re NEVER going to talk? They sing everything?! Oh boy.”

Me: “Yes, honey. They sing. “Over the Rainbow” …ring any bells?

Josh: “I thought that was from “The Sound of Musical.”

Me: “Everything about that sentence is wrong.”

lollipop guild



In the car with Josh, listening to the 90s station on XM Radio and Aaliyah’s song “Are You That Somebody” comes on and I start singing it…

…Switch to Pop2K on XM and Aaliyah’s song “Try Again” comes on and I start singing it…

Josh: “You know all Aaliyah’s music?”

Me: “Well these two were her biggest hits. And it’s not like she’s releasing any more.”

Josh: “Why not?”

Me, staring at him: “Are you serious? Because she died like over ten years ago. In a plane crash. This was big news. It was really sad.”

Josh: “Are you sure? I feel like I would remember that.”

Me: “Very sure.”

Josh: “I’m still not sure.”

agreewithyou



Over the winter, Josh and I were discussing Bob Costas’ eye infection during the Olympics:

Josh: “What if he dies from this?”

Me: “WHY WOULD YOU SAY THAT?!”

Josh: “I’m just saying, what if…”

Me: “No. Stop. Don’t even put it out into the atmosphere.”

Josh: “Oh, it’s out there. What if this is what takes Bobby out?”

Me: “Not. Funny. You really shouldn’t talk so flippantly about a national treasure.”

Josh: “BOBBBBBBYYYYYY.” <silence>

“I don’t even remember him in National Treasure. Or National Treasure 2.”

If we could all take a moment to give thanks that Bob Costas was able to recover from his eye infection, that’d be perfect. Okay, thanks.



Josh and I were catching up on episodes of Lip Sync Battle (again, if you’re not watching, you should be!) last weekend and Josh decided to show off his pop culture knowledge by naming everyone on stage. I tried to grab a quick photo of what we were watching and who was on stage:

20150425_112915From left to right, Josh pointed at the screen and named each celebrity as follows:

Josh: “Okay, that’s Tia Tequila…”

Me: “It’s TiLA Tequila and that’s definitely not her. That’s Chrissy Teigen. She’s married to John Legend? I told you that when he was on this same show last week.”

Josh: “Then the girl from The Devil Wears Prada.”

Me: “Nope. Again. That was the girl on this show from a few weeks ago, Anne Hathaway. This is Anna Kendrick. From Pitch Perfect?”

Josh: “Then Jennifer Lopez, everyone knows J. Lo – Enough, Maid in Manhattan, The Wedding Planner. She’s awesome.”

Josh: : “L.L. – N.C.I.S. – L.A.”

Josh: “The Office and Chuck.”

Me: “Again, still not Chuck. His actual name is John Krasinski. Chuck Bartowski was a character in a show and played by Zachary Levi.”

The reason I kept saying “again” is because I promise you I have answered these exact “who is that?” questions in the past.

Now, I’m aware some of you may not know who some of these people are either, because I’m not in your living room to repeat myself every single day. So, to review:

Teigen and Tila

These are not the same people.

These are also not the same people.

These are also not the same people.

And these are not the same people.

Also not the same people.

I purposely tried to choose photos in which both celebrities looked alike – enough to see Josh’s confusion. The sticking point in his pop culture fail is the number of times I answer him on who is who. It is at the point where I can’t watch Game of Thrones with him anymore because he doesn’t remember any of the characters, faces, plot lines…It makes for a frustrating hour of television.

In conclusion, later that same day we went and saw a movie.

In which, John Mayer has a cameo:

Josh leans over and whispers: “He’s married to Tia Tequila.”

They could be twins.

They could be twins.

But the good news is I never have to help him identify a J. Lo film!



Josh, discussing Harry Potter with the 10 year old girl I babysit for:

Kate: “I finished Harry Potter. Again.”

Josh: “Did he get the dragon?”

Kate, stares: “What?”

Cailyn: “He clearly hasn’t read them.”

Josh: “Have they made the last movie yet?”

Cailyn and Kate: “Yes! Years ago!”

Josh: “So which one is the last movie then?”

Kate: “Harry Potter and the Deathly Hollows, Part Two.”

Josh: “There’s TWO of them? I haven’t seen those. I saw the Half Blood Prince one. And the Alcatraz one. It’s not Alcatraz.”

Cailyn: “Azkaban.”

Josh: “And I saw the one where they play Quidditch.”

Cailyn: “They play Quidditch? That’s almost all of them…”

Josh: “Okay so what are the other three then? Wait, how many movies are there? Five?”

Cailyn: “Eight.”

Josh: “Oh wow. I definitely did not think there were eight.”

Kate proceeds to school him: “Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone, Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets, Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban, Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire, Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix, Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince, Harry Potter and the Deathly Hollows – and that’s in two parts for movies.”

Josh: “That was exhausting even to listen to.”

Kate seemed a little exasperated with Josh – can’t imagine why!

bookstofilm

dumbledore



Josh was out of town last weekend, and so it was just me and the kitties…I had a nightmare and called Josh the next morning to tell him about it:

Me: “I had a nightmare last night…it was so scary. I had a dream that I woke up after hearing a noise, opened our bedroom door, and looked to the left and saw the cat litter box in the middle of the hallway. I was puzzled and walked out towards it and a serial killer grabbed me from behind and put his hand over my mouth! I woke myself up screaming, it was AWFUL.”

…Josh bursts out laughing…

Me: “Why are you laughing?! It was terrible, I woke up actually yelling!!!”

Josh: “I’m sorry, I’m sure it was scary. I am laughing because of the cat litter box. Do you realize that you’re such a crazy cat lady that your version of a ‘distraction’ used by a serial killer is the cat litter box in the wrong place?”

Me: “I concede your point.”

Me: “But it was still scary.”

catadoption lovecat

IMAG0126 IMAG0315

How could these furry faces NOT make me a crazy cat lady?



The following conversation occurred while trying to decide what to clear off the DVR:

Me: “How about a Hallmark Original movie? We’ve got “North Pole” and “The Nine Lives of Christmas. “North Pole” sounds good…it is about a woman who needs to believe in Christmas and “The Nine Lives” is about…”

…me, flipping on the DVR list to read the “Nine Lives” description…

Josh: “And that one has a photo of a cat in the description.”

Cailyn: “You’re right – too hard to choose, let’s flip a coin.”

…flip coin, we settle on “North Pole” and we start the movie…

Josh: “TIFFANI AMBER THIESSEN?!!”

Cailyn: “It’s actually just Tiffani Thiessen now.”

Josh: “So she’s available? Sorry hun, gotta go!”

Cailyn: “Why would dropping her middle name have any impact on whether she was single?”

Josh: “I don’t like your tone.”

catreindeer



About six months ago, a commercial came on for Bethenny Frankel’s talk show, Bethenny.

Josh: “Who the heck is Bethenny?”

Me: “She was on Real Housewives of New York City, now she has her own talk show.”

Josh: “Why?”

Me: “Why what? Why does she have her own show? A lot of people like her, she invented Skinnygirl Cocktails, I don’t know. She’s not even on Real Housewives anymore.”

Josh: “And now she has a talk show. That’s absurd.”

….Cut to present day, when TMZ is on and they’re covering Bethenny’s return to the Real Housewives of New York…

Josh: “Who the heck is Bethenny?”

Me, sighing: “That girl, who had her own talk show and you thought it was absurd? Her talk show was cancelled and now she’s on The Real Housewives of New York City again.”

Josh: “I don’t remember that at all. But that’s still absurd.”

Me: “Yes, honey, I know.”

realityshow



Josh and I were discussing a friend’s favorite show:

Me: “She likes Downton Abbey.”

Josh: “What’s Downtown Abbey?”

Me: “It’s Downton Abbey, not Downtown.”

Josh: “You say potato, I say potahhhto.”

Me: “No. This is not a potato/potaaahto situation. They’re different words.”

Josh: “Downtown. Downton. Potato. Potato.”

Me: “But…”

<Sigh>

Me: “Forget it.”

downton meme



 Josh and I were discussing the possible bathroom options during our long runs on the Creeper Trail.

Me: “Around the four mile mark there are two Bouse Houses. That’s always an option.”

Josh, staring: “What.”

Me: “I mean, worst case scenario, obviously a Bouse House isn’t preferable…”

Josh: “I don’t understand the words that are coming out of your mouth. Are you speaking another language?

Me: “Which words?!”

Josh: “I seriously don’t understand. Boose Hoose?!”

Me: “A Bouse House? You know, a Porta Potty? A Blue Room? Is ‘Bouse House’ a Northern term? Are you messing with me?”

Josh: “I have never heard the term ‘Bouse House’. Ever.”

Me: “Huh. Maybe it’s a Northern thing. Let me Google it.”

…Googling…

Me: “So. My bad. It’s not even a Northern thing. It’s a SANDWICH thing. It’s totally the name of the Porta Potty company in Sandwich. Ha. I had no idea that wasn’t common slang. I’ve always called them that. I guess it’s not the first time I’ve been speaking my own language.”

Josh: “Clearly.”

You can take the girl off of Cape Cod, but you can’t take the Cape Cod out of the girl.



 

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